Saudade: Waves of Melancholy
“Waves of Melancholy” captured at Grand Bend, Lake Huron, Ontario (Gardi, 2021)
Saudade is the closest word to describe how I've been feeling since returning home from Kurdistan. Writing "home" feels strange now too. I feel lost between two countries, two nationalities, two cultures, and two different identities.
I've always felt caught between being Canadian and Kurdish, however, after visiting Kurdistan this feeling intensified.
The first week we came back felt surreal, like an out-of-body experience. Physically, I was in Canada, however mentally, and emotionally I was still in Kurdistan. Nothing felt the same after returning. Canada didn’t feel the same anymore even though nothing had changed while I was gone. The thing is, I had changed.
Back in the day, when I had Tumblr, I stumbled upon a post that had the Portuguese word "saudade" written on top with a definition and description of the word. Saudade is a nostalgic or melancholic longing or desire to be close to something or someone again whom you love or once loved that’s far away, all while knowing that the feelings, experiences, places, or events that once brought such profound joy might not be experienced again. The closest word in the English language to describe this all-encompassing feeling is bittersweet.
I've always found the word saudade to be beautiful, but I never quite understood it until I returned from Kurdistan. I searched the word again and realized, this is how we’ve been feeling! I shared this word with my family and they immediately resonated with it. Finally, a word that encapsulates my and my family's longing, melancholy, and happiness.
Saudade is when I'm listening to the Kurdish song Ya Rasul Allah and think about my family singing it over the duration of Ramadan.
Saudade is when I'm on a drive at night and remember the second last night I was in Erbil, driving with my uncle to grab cake and flowers for Mother's Day, and how peaceful and serene it was while we were speaking gently and singing in the car together.
Saudade is when I'm unpacking my suitcases and all my clothes and belongings smell like my grandmother's house, and I get transported back to the warmth of their living room.
Saudade is when I go to my best friend's house and her grandmother reminds me of my own and a deep sense of longing overcomes me.
Saudade is when every toy, children's book, and sheep reminds me of my little cousins.
Saudade is seeing children fly kites in parks and a pang of sadness hits me because I didn't have the chance to fly kites with my little cousins.
Saudade is when I couldn’t get out of bed or make it off the couch because my heart wasn't here anymore.
Saudade is when I listen to Late Night Talking by Harry Styles and remember staying up past midnight with my cousins talking, singing, laughing, crying, watching movies, and just being kids together.
Saudade is when it's hard to eat because every meal was spent with loved ones. Because I remember our newly created tradition of dancing right before the call to prayer for fitar (iftar), and how empty it feels now that I’m home.
Saudade is standing in my grandmother’s yard on our last morning in Kurdistan and closing my eyes as the sun’s rays hit me, breathing in the scent of my homeland, savouring this feeling one last time.
Saudade is when I miss myself. It's when I’ve experienced parts of myself that I've never seen before. Parts that I ended up leaving behind over there, and yearn to experience once more.
