What Pride Means to Me
Hamilton City Hall with a rainbow crosswalk in the forefront. (Gardi, 2021)
It’s spring 2005, the school year is finally coming to an end and the smell of summer vacation is brewing in the air.
Today is “West-Fest” - a festival for grades one to twelve to enjoy as we close off another school year.
Our class spent the morning jumping on moon bounces, eating cold freezies and delicious hot dogs, and playing tons of outdoor games with the hundreds of other students in attendance.
After a long, fun, yet tiring, day, we are now back on our elementary school’s playground. It’s almost home time, and we’re all sitting under the rows of tall trees that act as a border between the street and our school.
One of my classmates comes up behind me and whispers in my ear, “Go up to Christine and call her ‘gay’.”
I look at him confused. “What does ‘gay’ mean?” I ask.
He eggs me on, “It doesn’t matter, just go say it.”
So, I confidently walk up to Christine and say, “You’re gay.” She looks at me, fuming with anger running up to the teacher. I quickly try to catch up to her, pleading, “Please don’t tell on me, I don’t even know what that word means!”
Our teacher, Mrs. Mildred, looks at me shamefully after Christine tells her what I called her.
“Nivar, you know you shouldn’t be calling anyone ‘gay’. It’s a bad word to use.”
I try to plead my case, except Mrs. Mildred’s heard enough.
“You’re spending the rest of the outdoor time on ‘the wall’. Now go,” she orders.
I walk over to “the wall”, defeatedly, wondering what I did wrong. It wasn’t even my fault, if Harry hadn’t told me to tell Christine she’s gay I wouldn’t even be here. Harry should be here instead of me!
I was nine years old when this happened. As a nine-year-old, there are many things that are incomprehensible. I had no idea what the word “gay” even meant. And for years after this incident, I thought “gay” was a slur because it was used as one all throughout my childhood and teenage years.
We didn’t grow up with the representation of 2SLGBTQ+ people in the media. We weren’t taught anything about 2SLGBTQ+ issues in school, certainly not in health class. We hardly learned about the female anatomy in health class, let alone anything about 2SLGBTQ+ people.
And now here I am, all these years later, sitting at my desk attempting to write a blog post for my website about “Pride Month,” and yet, all I could think about was this incident from my childhood.
Why did Mrs. Mildred insist I’d used a slur? Why did she punish me by putting me on “the wall”? Why didn’t she explain what the word “gay” meant and that it wasn’t a slur at all?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Well, I could think of a few reasons, namely the fact that we live in a heteronormative society. This heteronormative society suffocates any expression that deviates from the “norm,” that isn’t deemed as “conventional.”
Growing up in this heteronormative society was difficult, to say the least. When you grow up thinking “gay,” “dyke,” “lesbian,” “trans,” are all slur words that shouldn’t be used, you internalize it, thinking that being anywhere close to those terms are “bad.”
So, what does that cause? Well for starters: internalized homophobia, struggling to accept oneself, the shame of one’s own sexual orientation or gender identity, etc.
The path for many 2SLGBTQ+ folks is non-linear – there is a lot of questioning, fear, and “coming out” several times using different labels because our heteronormative society is heavily lacking in educating students on 2SLGBTQ+ issues. Causing queer people to have a tough time figuring out who they are, oftentimes resulting in trying on different labels to see what fits best.
Not to mention, the absurdity of labels in general. As humans, we love to label everything! From the can of beans on your counter to your gender and sexuality. I am not against labels, of course, we need labels for a slew of different things.
Moreover, when it comes to sexual orientation and gender identity labels are also a good thing, one can find comfort in labels. The absurdity of labels is when society expects you to stick with a specific label for the rest of your life and if you change that label several times you’re seen as “faking it” or it being “a phase.”
Gender and sexuality are fluid. There are various gender and sexual expressions that exist within cisgender and heterosexual identities as well. A label might fit at a certain time for a few months, but it might not fit after a while and a new one starts to feel more fitting.
As a society, we need to be more mindful of 2SLGBTQ+ people changing their labels. Labels are an adjective, it’s not who they are, but it’s used to describe an aspect of themselves.
For one reason or another, it’s been difficult for me to write a post for Pride this year. Pride has felt empty during this pandemic.
Without celebrating our queerness with the rest of the 2SLGBTQ+ community, Pride just seems off. I normally feel light and happy writing my annual Pride post, but today, I feel heavy.
The heaviness might be due to the pandemic and the cancellation of Pride events two years in a row. Or it might be from the long road ahead in terms of fundamental human rights for 2SLGBTQ+ people worldwide.
Just this past week, on June 22nd, 2021, Canada finally passed a bill criminalizing conversion therapy across the country. We were one of the first countries to legalize same-gender marriage back in 2005, and yet, we only just banned conversion therapy.
Not to mention, same-gender sexual activity is criminalized in 71 countries, and in 11 of those countries, the death penalty is implemented on same-gender sexual activity.
The road ahead seems long and perilous, however, we shouldn’t lose sight of how far we have come since the turn of the century.
Twenty-eight countries worldwide have legalized same-gender marriage and many others recognize same-gender civil unions. In the City of Hamilton, the Hamilton-Wentworth District School Board (HWDSB), raised the rainbow Pride Flag at all public schools from elementary school to high school for the month of June - something I wouldn’t have even imagined seeing as a kid.
Every year, our media has more on-screen representation of 2SLGBTQ+ people - from news anchors to reality TV stars -slowly but surely, 2SLGBTQ+ people can see themselves represented on screen.
Growing up without seeing any representation, having to deal with nasty stereotypes, and internalized homophobia means seeing any positive and progressive development when it comes to 2SLGBTQ+ human rights fills me with the hope that one day we’ll live in a world where nobody lives in fear because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.
Pride Month is very meaningful to me. My first Pride Parade deeply impacted me. I’d always struggled with accepting my queer identity growing up, and it wasn’t until attending Toronto’s 2017 Pride Parade that I began my path towards acceptance and living unapologetically as my truest self.
I wrote this in my journal after the Toronto Pride Parade on June 25th, 2017:
“I almost cried several times during the parade because of how beautiful everything was. How nice it was to see thousands of people coming together in unity to celebrate their differences. Allies and LGBTQ [people] coming together to celebrate their pride. How confident, proud, and courageous LGBTQ people are to celebrate themselves out in the open. How beautiful it was to see all the different colours of the queer community come together and have rainbow flags all across Toronto. It was an experience I’ll never forget. … All in all, the experience of my first pride was amazing. I’ve never felt so comfortable around a group of people. I fell in love with my community and myself. I realized I should live my truest and happiest life unapologetically as my realest self.”
My wish is for all 2SLGBTQ+ people to feel safe in their own skin, in their own cities, towns, and villages, in their families and friend groups, in their schools, and on this Earth. At the end of the day, each of us deserves fundamental human rights to a life of safety, peace, and love.
Happy Pride Month to the brave and courageous 2SLGBTQ+ community. Thank you for allowing me to find myself and shine brightly alongside you all. I’m truly grateful to know I always have a home with you all no matter where I go on this Earth.
Author’s note: the names of the students and the teacher from the opening anecdote were changed to respect the privacy of all those involved.
